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Brush Up on Your Pinotcabulary

If you want to talk the Pinot talk, you need to be versed in the lexicon of Pinot Noir. Listed here are the pertinent words and their definitions. I relinquish all proprietary claim to pinotcabulary, so use the words freely.

Pinotosity: The unique essence or soul of Pinot Noir. A Pinot Noir is said to have pinotosity when it is irresistible, mesmeric and brings you to your knees.

Pinotholicism: The religion of Pinot Noir. Members of the congregation usually join the church after an epiphany with Pinot Noir, subsequently believing that Pinot Noir brings you as close to God as any wine can. Followers offer a significant percentage of their monthly income to the high priests such as Ted Lemon, Josh Jensen and Richard Sanford. Members congregate over multiple bottles of Pinot Noir to smell and taste and pray to the holy grape. The member’s bible is North American Pinot Noir by John Haeger.

Pinotology: The science of Pinot Noir. It is often considered esoteric and beyond comprehension by Cabernet drinkers. Some dissenters feel there is no science at all involved in the making of great Pinot Noir, believing that luck and prayer are more important factors (see pinotholicism). The recommended scientific reference is The Heartbreak Grape by Marq De Villiers.

Pinotspeak: The language of Pinot Noir. These are the words used to describe the sensuality and personality of Pinot Noir. A large portion of the entire human repertoire of smell and taste descriptors has been invoked at one time or another to convey a taster’s Pinot Noir drinking experience. Examples: silky, sexy, sinful, intoxicating, exotic, winegasm, ethereal, roseate, wild cherry sprinkled with herbs, Chinese five-spice, kid leather, sandalwood, forest floor, smoked bacon, and so on. Wine writers tend to have the greatest imagination and the largest pinotspeak vocabulary. The Pinotspeak dictionary is the novel Sideways by Rex Pickett that is filled with hyperbolic hosannas to Pinot Noir.

Pinotformation: The lineup of several empty bottles of Pinot Noir on a table after a night of revelry.

Pinoterroirist: A firm believer in the importance of terroir in creating distinctive and uniquely recognizable Pinot Noir. This term should not be confused with pinoterrorist, one that strikes suddenly at wineries and wine shops and scoops up all the desirable bottles of a small production Pinot Noir.

Pinot Geek:The outwardly normal people you picked on for being so knowledgeable about Pinot Noir, but you now buy the wines they make. Pick on a Pinot Geek and you will regret it the rest of your life. Pinot Geek is to be distinguished from Pinot Nerd in that the Geek has social skills and fits in well at Pinot Noir tastings.

Pinotphile: An ardent devotee of Pinot Noir who is similar to a Pinot Geek but less geeky. A lover of Pinot Noir in all its glorious forms, the pinotphile usually has an impressive cellar containing cases of ultra premium Pinot Noir, and loves to share the wines with others. The pinotphile usually knows the Fedex delivery person on a first name basis.

Pinot Queen: A female pinotphile. Known to often control Pinot Noir purchases in a family, she usually has an exquisite palate for Pinot Noir, and eagerly seeks out only the good stuff.

Pinotaficionado: Similar to a pinotphile, but used by those who prefer a more distinguished title and one that will not be confused with that other word - pedophile. Spelling can be tricky.

Pinoteers: Small groups of pinotphiles united for travel and drinking purposes. Think of the Three Muskateers armed with corkscrews.

Pinot Pimp: A wine writer who induces others to seek out recommended Pinot Noirs. I have been accused of this by pinotaficionados. One recently said, “Now I empty my bank account at wineries nobody has ever heard of, on wines nobody has ever drank except you. You have ruined me and I love it.”

Pinot Sluts: Consumers who jump from one Pinot Noir brand to another searching for high scoring wines with no loyalty to any brand.

Vitamin P: Pinot Noir

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